


First Time

by little_shinra



Series: Shukita Week 2019 [4]
Category: Persona 5
Genre: Accidents, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Guardian Angels, Angel/Human Relationships, Canonical Character Death, Childhood, Disobeying Orders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Growing Up, Head Injury, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Near Death Experiences, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-17
Updated: 2019-04-17
Packaged: 2020-01-23 13:40:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18550903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/little_shinra/pseuds/little_shinra
Summary: The first time I saw your eyes in your mother's arms, I knew you would be exceptional.I watched you as you grew.When Ren first met his ward, Yusuke, he wished him the world and all the marvels it would bring. He gave him all his love.Then the day came when his assignment was to come to an end.Day 4 of Shukita Week 2019: First Time





	First Time

~~~~_The first time I saw your eyes in your mother's arms, I knew you would be exceptional._

“Your assignment is to go for 9 years,” ‘They’ read off the information in their hands.

I stare down at the small baby. The other humans that pass by the room, the nurses, the baby’s mother, don’t pay our presence any mind. It was expected for us angels to be hidden from their eyes, for the most part. We are meant only to be seen by our wards, when the natural light of the sun and moon shines on us. This small human can’t see me yet. They haven’t opened their eyes.

“Are you listening, Ren?” ‘They’ asked.

“This is my ward. They’re so tiny,” I touch their nose. Their face scrunches up.

‘They’ laughed behind me.

“They don’t stay small for long. Wait till you see how fast they grow. Blink and you’ll miss something important. Make sure you _pay attention_.”

I stand upright. “Sorry.”

“When the time comes, we’ll have you attend a witnessing. You still need to learn how to lead a soul to the gates when they leave.”

“Okay.”

I peek back at the baby. “Do they have a name yet?”

‘They’ reach down and read off the clipboard attached to the bed.

“Yusuke Kitagawa.”

  * Year : 1



_I watched you as you grew._

The breezes of the outgoing winter blew through the bright day, a stark contrast that held themselves hand in hand in the transition between seasons.

Yusuke laid on his back, bundled in a blanket with his pacifier, as he napped the opposite of the small room from his mother. She would take glances over her shoulder at him as she worked, adding details to the canvas with a pencil. She took a paint palette and brush from a nearby table and began adding large strokes of color on the background and some of the larger shapes in the stenciling.

When the light from the window crawled from the base to halfway across the room, Yusuke stirred, his small legs kicking the blanket loose onto the baby mat. His mother’s attention stayed absorbed in the portrait she started. And Yusuke watched her, eyes intent on her motions. He twisted his body in her direction, making onto his side.

“You got it,” I speak softly, gently keeping my hand at his back as he rolled fully onto his belly. He got onto his hands and knees, making a sound through his binky. He crawled down the room to the kotatsu table between them.

He took hold of the table edge and pulled himself to his feet, teetering from one foot to the other. I hover nearby, ready to catch him if he tumbles. Slowly, with his inexperienced legs, he waddled closer to her with the table as his support. The small baby reached out to her, his muffled noises drawing a curious hum from her.

“Here, let’s try walking to mommy,” I lead him away, my hands wrapped around his arms, from the kotatsu table and a little farther from her.

He flapped against my hand and turned back to her. With his hands out to her, Yusuke hobbled the rest of his way unaided and grabbed onto the fabric of her pants. She looked down and gasped excitedly, setting her palette aside on the table and wiping her hands free of paint.

“Yusuke, did you walk all the way here by yourself?” She lifted him onto her lap, praising him. “You’re growing so fast. Mommy’s gonna have to catch up.”

He looked back at me, hand outstretched and grasping at the air.

“Hmm?” she looked toward me. “What do you see, Yusuke?”

I give him my finger, and he grips it with a solid strength for a tiny hand. I look into the gray eyes of my ward as he bounced on his mother’s lap.

_How precious._

We stare at each other in awe and curiosity.

  * Year : 3



“Another thing you’ll notice; there will be a ticking. Like a grandfather clock in your head. You won’t be able to hear it in this case, but it’s loud and clear in my head.”

Yusuke’s mother stopped moving, the threads of her soul beginning to unravel from her body. Yusuke was in the other room, unaware of the event that had transpired. The man that was here, Madarame, had long left and probably was getting around to phoning the authorities.

It was my first witnessing. I needed to see so when the day came for my ward, I knew what to do.

“It’s the final call, when it’s time to depart.”

I watched as her soul sat up, separating from her mortal shell. Her own angel brought her to her feet, informing her of the situation. She started back to the room where Yusuke was. Her guardian stopped her.

“My son… Will he be alright?” she said.

“He will. He has me,” I reassured her.

“Please take care of him,” she looked back to the room. “I don’t want him to be left alone with that man.”

“I’ll guide him and keep him safe. I promise.”

She casts one final glance, then lets her guardian led her to where she needed to be; at the gates where all the souls are to go. As they left, a creeping nervousness came over me.

 _He will be alright_ , I assure myself. _He’ll be alright._

It’s going as it should. Everything sailing smoothly.

“Doesn’t it hurt?” I asked after the guardian. “Having to see them die?”

The guardian looked at me with a calm expression, then came back and tipped my chin up.

“We all become attached to our wards at some points. Remember why we take the role we do. If we were absent, they would never find rest and revival.”

“…That doesn’t answer my question.”

“Be careful where you go with that thought, is what I will tell you, Ren. It would be crueler to deny them their departure than you think.”

_But… what if they deserved to live?_

That question stayed in my head. I never got a full answer to that one either, in the end.

  * Year : 9



_And the first time you nearly…_

“Your assignment ends today,” ‘They’ told me as the sun rose. I don’t reply.

-

Yusuke dragged a large box across the hall to the top of the staircase. He looked over the steps as he deliberated what to do to get the box downstairs as quickly as possible. Madarame ordered Yusuke earlier to carry the box to the foyer downstairs before he returned. It was filled with supplies that were cleaned out of a former student’s room. As a result, it was heavy for Yusuke to move alone.

Madarame was due to be home soon and Yusuke had forgotten to take care of it or even ask one of the other students for help when they were all home. Now the few that were still here were holed up in their rooms, hard at work on their projects. The fear of another punishment was enough alone to push my ward in a hasty decision to handle it on his own. He hefted the box into his arms, with it against the wall so it cradled on them.

Yusuke tries to steal a glance past the large box as he feels around with his foot for the first step. He put his weight on the stair, too close to the edge. I hold my breath. He moved to put his other foot on the next step. They slipped under him, gravity pushing him forward. Supplies spill all over the staircase and Yusuke falls over them like a rock down a steep cliff, slamming into the wall at the bottom.

I cringe and crouch by the bottom of the stair rail. I reached my arm out before stopping myself.

_Please, get up-_

I shake my head.

_I can’t pray for this! It’s forbidden for a guardian to wish for this._

The time is ticking away, and Yusuke lays motionless on the floor. I know he’s bleeding from the head collision with the hardwood flooring before he lifts his head and I see the smear underneath.

I freeze in place. He should not be rising.

“Yusuke…” I exhale.

His eyes open somewhat, glossy and inattentive.

“Help…” he whispers. Yusuke climbs himself up to his feet, teetering to the stair rail. “Upstairs…someone…”

I jumped to my feet, calling out, “Yusuke, don’t! Don’t go up the stairs!”

My words go unheard. Yusuke keeps a hand on the rail, sluggishly scaling upstairs. His foot stepped on the scattered pencils and he falls, slamming his head on the wood edges with a sickening sound. I flinched. He doesn’t move, his breathing shallow.

I see it, the wisps of a soul beginning to separate from its body. Somewhere, I hear ticking.

I lurch forward and place my body over him.

_No, not yet. You haven’t met the rest of the world. You deserve to meet it._

A couple students peeked out their rooms, asking each other what the noise was. I heard footsteps coming and a scream echo down. I don’t move. They can’t see me. But I mustn’t move. If a soul leaves the body, that’s the end of it. If I can keep his in, as some invisible string, it’ll keep him alive and tied to his world. If I keep myself over him, there’s hope he’ll hang on.

I wrap my hand over his.

“Please hang on,” I speak to him. “There’s so much more to see.”

“…hur….hurts…” He exhales.

“I know. It’s painful right now. But it will pass. They’re getting help.”

The medics show up. The others are watching as they shift Yusuke into a neck brace before moving him to the stretcher. Blood has covered the side of his head, the pool of it layered over the wood stairs. Someone is bawling among them at this sight.

“Not this again,” they blubber. “Not again.”

I feel their grief heavily on my heart. Thankfully, Yusuke never saw what they witnessed that day. Only the weight it carried over the others after the fact.

I keep my hand wrapped around his as they take Yusuke to the hospital, to the emergency rooms, then the surgery as they hurry to revive him and stop the bleeding. The sound of ticking in my head repeats repeats repeats repeats…

So _loudly_ , it deafens my thoughts.

I wait till the worse of it passed, till the threads that unraveled slowly wrapped in place around him, until his soul grounded itself back into his body as he’s taken out the ICU. He’s breathing on a hospital bed, bandages wrapped where the head wounds were, wires and tubes connected to him from machines. The mechanical beeping in the room fills the quiet. I rubbed the back of his hand with my thumb.

I feel so weary, the peace in my mind popping in my skull.

_shhhhh…_

I felt something change. I can’t place it, but something _moved_.

…

The quiet. I didn’t pay notice to it. The ticking was gone.

…

I see what had changed. The realization hits me, and I step away. The clock that dictated his lifespan changed hands, no longer hanging to the final strike. I don’t hear it anymore. And he’s still here, bound to the world. I grab his hand again. It’s there. Everything back into place. I’ve never seen such a thing. I didn’t even _expect_ this to work.

_It’s… truly possible? To change death?_

A sharp gasp leaves me.

_My god, it is possible._

Tears wet my cheeks.

“Thank god,” I pressed my forehead against his. “You’ll be able to see the world after all. I’m so happy.”

  * Year : 9



_You deserved to live longer, so you can meet the rest of the world._

One day, after returning home from the hospital, Yusuke didn’t wake to his alarm. He never slept through it, especially on a school day. He still turned in his sleep, like there was nothing amiss. Then Madarame busted in, shaking him awake and shouting at him for oversleeping. Yusuke bolted for school, confusion written over his face.

Through the day, he kept touching his ears, patting them like he couldn’t shake something out. He wouldn’t respond when others called for him, when his attention was requested in class. It would take a physical touch to pull him back to the world around him.

I looked at him as he sat at his desk, trying to piece together what was going on. His wounds have healed, his hair covering the scars. He was given a bill of health when he was released. Yes, that man still pushed him around, but, annoyingly clever he was, there was no lasting damage to his actions.

 _Why didn’t you wake up, Yusuke?_ I wondered with him. _Why are you…?_

His homeroom teacher pulled him aside during break, asking what was wrong.

Finally, Yusuke asked, “Teacher, your voice so quiet. I can’t hear you. Why is everyone so quiet?”

I realized what ‘They’ meant that day those years ago, when I had my first witnessing.

The fall on the stairs brought more damage than was predicted. I hugged him in my arms as the news was given to him and Madarame: Yusuke had lost majority of his hearing in both ears due to the head trauma.

Everything shifted again. And I couldn’t turn my eyes away from that shift. By the news alone and after that, things became distant. It was like the world turned away from him. Like it pushed him away.

This wasn’t what I wanted it to be. How could the world turn him away when I promised he would meet it?

_How could you?_

  * Year : 10



_The first time cruel words were thrown at you for being different._

It was hot pot night for all the students in the atelier. They surrounded the table, waiting for the meat to cook, debating among themselves where the vegetables should be in the pot (“Away from the meat-” “No, next to it!”), and slipping their own portions in as conversations bounced in all directions of the table. Madarame was not present, having another meeting to attend for the evening.

Yusuke watched them, turning his head in all directions as he tried to capture their voices. He grabbed at any words to keep with the conversation. They were so fast. He never realized how fast we speak, how fragmented a conversation can become as the sound diminished. By the time the food was served, Yusuke decided to stop and keep his head down. If they needed his input, they would ask. He barely ate the food, his mind wandering between bites before remembering what he was doing.

I run my hand through his hair in hopes of comforting him. It seemed to lift him up, for a moment. Yusuke ate a few more bites, then began to shift to get up. I wrap my arms around his shoulders and touch his forehead.

“Please eat a little more. Just in case Madarame returns with one of his moods.”

Yusuke thinks about it, then settled back down and took some more pieces from the pot with the remains of his rice. He continued to keep his head down as he finished each piece and the conversations continue without delay.

By the time the evening came to a close and the students huddled to their rooms, Yusuke only gave two words. ‘Good night.’

-

In that quiet, dark room, he looked so much smaller than I knew he’d be. It was like the covers were eating him up. The clouds outside made the slim moonlight negligible to use to make my appearance more noticeable. Yusuke looked at me, a wet shine in his eyes.

“You’re still here…?” the tone of his voice faltered at the end. I nodded and sat next to him. I touched his forehead and spoke to him.

“It was a rough day for you today.”

“Mmm. It’s hard keeping up with everyone. And sensei gets angry when I don’t follow his instructions.”

He burrowed further into the covers, hiding his face.

“Angel-san, am I broken now?”

“No.”

“But sensei said-”

“I know what he said. I was there.” I detested that man. There was nothing _wrong_ with my ward. _Nothing_. That man knew nothing about the importance of a life. It is all just warm bodies working like machines that crossed that man’s mind. That was the criteria he compared Yusuke to. It was what many compared Yusuke to. A machine with a fault was a broken machine.

I pull back the sheet so a part of his face peeks out. “And he’s wrong. You’re still you, a full and healthy person.”

“You’re the only one who says that…” he touches his ear, where his hearing aid would be. They sit next to his pillow. “I wish I could hear again. Then I wouldn’t bother sensei and everyone.”

“You are not a burden. Anyone with eyes would see you are a sweet, passionate child. Just like your mother.”

That brought a smile out of him before it faded. Yusuke pulled the covers away with a worried look.

“Angel-san, will you be you going away? Like mommy did?”

“Why would I leave?”

“Because… Because I don’t want to be alone. Ever since I fell, it’s like everyone stepped away from me. Since I’m different, you might leave too. And go where mommy is.”

Yusuke’s words drive a stake into my heart.

“…Let me show you something.”

I turn on the bed lamp and removed my hand from his forehead. I instruct him to put the aids on.

“It's okay,” I sign as I speak. “I'll never leave you. I am your companion, your guardian angel. I will never let you be lonely. And please, stay in this world. It holds so much for you.”

“But I can't hear.”

“Then it's them who should be pulling their weight to communicate with you. Not just you trying to keep up with them.”

He pondered my words. Then he gave a resolute nod.

I hold my hands out to him, palms up. Yusuke rested his over them, still small against my own. A beautiful, radiant smile spread over his face. The smile that I cherish with all my heart. We put our foreheads together, Yusuke’s giggling pulling a laugh out of me.

Footsteps passed in the hallway. We hastily switch the lamp off and Yusuke ducked under the covers, a small giggle still slipping out. I place my hand on his forehead again and the other over the bed covers where his heart would be.

“I love you, precious child,” I whispered. “I can’t wait for you to meet the rest of the world and the beauty it brings. You’ll grow to see so much, I promise you.”

“I can’t wait,” Yusuke placed his hearing aids back next to his pillow and closed his eyes.

Even with all the excitement brimming from his face, he managed to fall asleep. I watched over him, just as I always have.

\--

_‘They’ look at me with disapproval._

_“Death cannot be delayed, no matter how much you change it.”_

_That was the first warning for my indiscretion that day on the stairs._

_And for the first time then, I chose not to listen._

_…_

_…_

_…I just prayed that my decision was the right one._


End file.
